Love

[00:00:00] Mark: So there's this song that goes, there's nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the game. It's easy. What does that mean? I was trying to pass this earlier. There's nothing you can do that can't be done. That's a syntactical.

[00:00:22] Mark: Welcome to the A to Z of Happiness, with Anya Pearse and me, Mark Steadman. Join us as we unpack the science of happiness, one letter at a time. This week it's L for love.

[00:00:41] Anya: Well, depends on who you speak to. Most people say money makes the, uh, the world go round the idealists in amongst us. Uh, suggest it might be love.

[00:00:51] Mark: Yeah.

[00:00:51] Anya: Like I say, idealists and there are so many different kinds of love, you know, filial, eros, platonic. And it is the, it is the, the meat and potatoes of the human experience.

[00:01:05] Anya: You know, the amount of art, literature, music, human creativity, human stupidity, to be quite frank, has, , has gone into or been inspired by this credible emotion, which, you know, when we have, when we are experiencing it, when we are experiencing. You know, and you know, and sometimes it's really hard to pass out between whether that is, you know, true love, whether it's attachment, whether it's addiction it's just the limit phase,

[00:01:40] Mark: The. The what now?

[00:01:41] Anya: the lints phase. Well, that's the phase where you kind of like this new relationship energy. All of a sudden you've seen it in kinda like in films, the, the, the thing I remember the, the image that's coming to mind. Wow. This is gonna be a, a, a, a detail for the teenagers listening. In Press Gang, when Dexter Flexer kissed Julius Solia and was walking home, he was able to touch the lampposts and switch them on that kind.

[00:02:10] Anya: Yeah, I think it was Press Gang. And so there's, there's so much, you know, we are a species designed for love and belonging. You know, Brene Brown often talks about, you know, in the absence of love and belonging, we hurt, we suffer. You know, we talked about this in our, in a Beef of Belonging episode, and there are so many different things that come from love and, and I mean, one of the definitions I came across this morning was, George Valent, uh, a psychotherapist who was part of the Harvard Adult Development Study, of which I'll touch on a bit more later.

[00:02:47] Anya: And he describes love as love is the shortest definition of spirituality. I know. And if you think about this element of being connected, this is something which our souls crave, but also our biochemistry craves.

[00:03:03] Anya: So the, you know, The positive psychologist Barbara Frederickson, who has done a huge amount of research into positive emotions and, and what they're good for considers love that the, the master of emotion, you know, the one which contains things like joy, gratitude, and serenity and inspiration.

[00:03:23] Anya: And there's a lovely piece. Her book, love 2.0, creating Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection, where she explains, you know, she puts it in a nutshell. Love is the momentary upwelling of three tightly woven, interwoven events. First, a sharing of one or more positive emotions between you and another second, a synchrony between you and the other person's biochemistry and behaviors and.

[00:03:55] Anya: A reflective motive to invest in each other's wellbeing that brings mutual care

[00:04:01] Mark: Well, that's just sucked all the romance out the.

[00:04:03] Anya: But I think I. I think, you know, we we're gonna get to the romance bit

[00:04:10] Mark: All right. Thank God

[00:04:11] Anya: the thing we often think about, we often think about love purely as romance, but I'm starting with some science kids, you know, Barbara Frederickson talks about this quality is positivity, resonance.

[00:04:23] Anya: And she says, you know, how it changes your biochemistry in ways that scientists are only just now beginning to grasp. She talked about love as being these little micro moments of connection between people. And as these moments become more and more typical, your daily experience that even alter the foundational rhythms of your heart, increasing your vagal tone, you know, resulting in a closer synchrony between the actions of your heart and the actions of your lungs and high levels of vehicle tone scientists have now shown are linked to not only greater social attune.

[00:04:55] Anya: But also into more efficient self-regulation and improved physical health. In this way, love and health co-create each other in your life. And so it's very interesting. We often think of, you know, love with hearts and things, but it is good for our biological heart. Dr. David Hamilton, who is the kindness guru who I've mentioned before, you know, talks about in his book, you know, the Little Book of Kindness how love is often associated with oxytocin, and oxytocin actually has cardiovascular protective qualities. You know, it cleans the blood. And so, you know, love, we can think of it as this lovely, fluffy, romantic thing, but it's something our bodies need to actually thrive, not just our spirits and our souls.

[00:05:43] Mark: Does that come from, or do you think that comes from a biological imperative as in, doing it

[00:05:51] Anya: I, I, I just got this about Wow. Wow. Has entered the room. Barry White has now entered the chat. again, another reference for the teenagers in the room. I think, well, if we go kind of, oh, don't, don't get me on polyvagal theory. We'll be here all day. And it's supposed to be about

[00:06:14] Mark: Oh.

[00:06:15] Anya: But we have evolved.

[00:06:17] Anya: We have evolved as a species, you know, this is, you know, I mentioned the vagal nerve, the vagal tone, you know, the vagus nerve is the one which is involved with and implicated in, uh, the mammalian care aspect. and so, you know, nurturing our offspring. And so I think there is a, I haven't researched this so I can't say it for definite, but I think that, you know, as, as a species anyway, there is always gonna be the biological imperative to replicate whether love comes into it. I'm just thinking Tina Turner, what's love got to do with it? I don't know.

[00:06:58] Mark: Well, as much as it is possibly about, uh, quote unquote doing it, there is also what happens with the byproduct of having done it, which is offspring and there needing to be love. In order for that human, that new human to to thrive. And yes, you can survive as a human, but. It feels like that that love interplay um, that love of a, of a, of a, you know, parent um, to a child being transmitted in, in so many different ways through, uh, through skin, on skin contact and through, uh, milk and through other ways that yeah. It's, it's, it's, as you said, it's not purely about romance.

[00:07:45] Anya: It's not, and I think you know what you're talking about there is, how love shapes the brain, particularly the, you know, in developmentally. You know, there's been some, you know what the, um, wonderful book by Bethel VanDerKolk called in the Body Keeps the Score, which talks about how trauma, you know, developmental trauma, you know, a lack of love as an infant can actually impact brain development.

[00:08:13] Anya: You know, there's, there's less gray matter in the executive, the frontal lobes due to the lack of care and it actually really takes me. My first prompt actually, you know, who loved you into being, and you're talking about that kind of parental care and doing a quoting form, a book called Deeper Dating actually, uh, by Ken Page, you know, refers to this book in the his book, you know, touching the Human Significance of the Skin.

[00:08:40] Anya: Ashley Montague explains that when certain mammals are born, their mother must lick them all over. If certain important body parts are not licked, the internal organs corresponding to that part of the animal's body may never function properly. The body, the baby's organs, need to be seen and touched if they are ever to function fully.

[00:09:02] Anya: And you know, Ken goes on to say, this illustrates one of the great secrets of our gifts. You know who we are. You know, when someone recognizes them, those gifts are given license to come. To be generous and expressive and brave. The truth is we need each other in order to grow and to learn. And this idea of, you know, who loved you into being is originally a, a question I received in an email years ago from Danielle LaPorte, you know, who often talks about, you know, finding, finding your core impulses and sharing yourself.

[00:09:37] Anya: And it really ties into. The research of the Harvard Adult Development Study, which I mentioned earlier, which is now being taken over by Robert Waldinger. You know, this study started in 1938. It's the longest longitudinal psychological research study in the world. You know, it started in the cohort of, you know, young men in 1938, falling them through their lives now, looking at their children and their offspring.

[00:10:07] Anya: And this idea of being, of having others who love us into being is backed up by the kind of research, you know, the three things he says, you know, for Happiness, the formula for Happiness he comes up with are, you know, firstly, you know, this idea that having social connections is better for our health and wellbeing.

[00:10:26] Anya: It's, that is something which now we are a social species. This is how we've been, how we have evolved, you know, and conversely, and as research backs this up as well, loneliness kills. And then the second thing is having higher quality coast close connections is more important for our wellbeing than the number.

[00:10:46] Anya: And I think this is something which so many of us have an imbalance. . You know, we, we, we know lots of people, but we can count on only one or two fingers. You know, people who we can phone at three o'clock in the morning and say, Hey, stuff, something's happened. Can you know, I need to talk? And actually having, you know, something's, you know, social media can give us this impression of having lots of, lots of contact.

[00:11:14] Anya: And there is tremendous research that shows that having lots of loose ties is incredibly helpful for us. You know, a, there's a piece of research which persuade, I think this is possibly, possibly pre pandemic. Invited people to talk to strangers on public transport. and they were like, I could just see your face

[00:11:34] Anya: Look, look, I, I, I, I, I'm from the north. I didn't realize this wasn't a common habit. Which, which, which is why I tend to make lots, I used to make lots of friends, uh, brief temporary micro connections on, or public transport whenever I used to go out.

[00:11:46] Mark: I made a micro friend.

[00:11:48] Anya: I made a microphone. But, you know, having. The research showed that actually those people who did get over their anxiety of speaking to another person being rejected, actually both people had a much better experience and it was much nicer and much better.

[00:12:05] Anya: And they felt left feeling happier than they ever anticipated, you know? And I think it just having these little threads that weave us into the fabric of our surroundings. You know, with others, this idea, you know, it's been a, I need to quote one of my

[00:12:24] Anya: usual quotes. If you're playing any bingo,

[00:12:26] Mark: Go off Queen.

[00:12:27] Anya: It's like half a dozen phrases and quotes, which you are guaranteed to be able to tick off. It's almost like your drinking game. And one of them is, you know, John Taman Roshi. Attention is the most basic form of love through it to be blessed and are blessed. And actually, you know, a very common random act of kindness is just to make eye contact, contact with someone and smile.

[00:12:50] Anya: You know, this, this, this micro connection again of I see. I

[00:12:55] Anya: see you

[00:12:56] Mark: I try to do that

[00:12:57] Mark: when I.

[00:12:58] Mark: When I'm out walking and, and I, I see some cuz I, I feel more and more now a little bit, and I think this has maybe come from, from the pandemic feeling a little bit more of a shared sense of something. So when we were, when we had our, our allotted exercise time that we were, that we were given every day there was this sense of when you, when someone was. you knew what they were out for. You know, unless they were going to the shop for their, their allotted weekly, uh, shop that they were allowed. You knew if they were out walking, that that's what they were doing. And so there was a sort of a shared moment there of, yeah, we both know what, you know, what we're out here for.

[00:13:35] Mark: We're trying to keep ourselves sane. And I think maybe there's a residual, uh, elements of that. Now, when I see people, when I'm out going for a walk that I kind of wanna just give them a little smile and a nod and just say, Hey, I'm here. I'm I'm, I'm a safe human being. It's all good.

[00:13:52] Anya: I mean, one of the best examples I know of that one, uh, someone mentioned on Twitter how she was eating a banana and then she spotted someone at the bus stop doing the same, and she kind of liked. Pippa

[00:14:02] Mark: Yes,

[00:14:04] Anya: and the other lady looked confused and then raised it in Toast

[00:14:07] Mark: absolutely.

[00:14:10] Anya: you know? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And again, you know, it kind of comes back to, you know, you know, we often think about love. As receiving love from others or, you know, seeking it from others. And the conversation, you know, there's an aspect of, you know, loving ourselves and, you know, part of self-compassion is that, you know, the self-kindness, but also that the common humanity, knowing that you're not alone.

[00:14:33] Anya: You know, you are, you're having a shared experience. And again, that really kind of Connects us with each other. But the third thing that, uh, Waldinger mentions as you know, the benefits. You know, love and relationships. It's that the fact they're not just good for our bodies, but also for our brains. You know, it's, this is a whole system thing that's going on here that improves our mood um, you know, alleviates depression.

[00:15:01] Anya: I mean, this is why they talk about, you know, relationships, you know. if you go home, and this is referring to a happy relationship, obviously, which not everyone, uh, not everyone is in, you know, for, for, for multiple reasons um, whether they're in a relationship or not. But, you know, going home at night after a stressful day to someone who listens to you, allows your body to down-regulate to actually come off the fight or flight thing and just start to.

[00:15:32] Anya: Settle down and allows your body to start doing the necessary repairs. You know, so having these close confidants, these, you know, whether we live with them or not, if someone to, to pick up the phone and call these incredibly important things. Yes, you know, biologically, but also, you know, for our soul, for our spirit, you know, knowing that we are, that we're not, is a, is a, is a powerful antidote to so much stress, fear, worry, and anxiety.

[00:16:03] Mark: And so, we have a, we have a second prompt, around the, the barriers that we have towards love.

[00:16:09] Anya: Yeah, this idea, you know, what values do you have towards love is an interesting one because you know it's, and it's very much inspired by Rumi, you know, which, who says your task is not to seek for love. But merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you've built against it. And you know, this being, having questions around our lovability, you know, there's a wonderful book by Robert Holden of the very same title, you know, which talks about this idea of, you knowing how to love and be loved.

[00:16:42] Anya: You know, I think it's having that ability to recognize. that, I mean, there's a, there's a wonderful story he shares actually in the beginning. you know, he talked about this, his friend at school who got all the girls, even though he was, you know, acne, greasy hair. Seemed to be a bit overweight.

[00:17:01] Anya: You kinda like all the things which stereotypically at that age you think, oh, you know, would put the members of the opposite sex off. And you know, Robert, the author was like, okay, just, just just wait. You're going out with her. And he went, yeah. And just like, but, but, but he said, bill, what, what's your secret?

[00:17:20] Anya: And these, and, and, and, and this guy Adam said to him, well, I love myself. And, and, and that, that's, , you know, I like who I am and, and you ha you, you are not there yet. And, you know, being able to know, I used, I even used to have a website called Let Beloved, you know, it was this idea of, you know, removing the barriers, you know, because so many of us, You know, there's a core thing, a core shame that we have, that we are intrinsically unlovable.

[00:17:54] Anya: You know, there are things about us, which which are so magnified in our mental image of ourself that we cannot see past it, to see what someone else might see. Around it.

[00:18:13] Mark: Uh, trucks.

[00:18:15] Anya: Yeah, it tracks. And we all, we all have different things. We all have, you know, uh, different ideas of what those things may be, but for, for a lot of it, you know, it is the insecure thinking that you know, George Plansky talks about in a wonderful book called The Relationship Hand. Where, you know, he talks about how you know, all the things that you know, trigger our feelings.

[00:18:42] Anya: Where, where is it? You know, if you want to understand how people do as they do or feel the way they feel, , you only need to understand the role of insecurity in life. Insecurity is the source of distress and all counterproductive behavior. You know, the thoughts of insecurity periodically pass through our minds, and if we dismiss them, we remain secure, easygoing, joyful, and compassionate.

[00:19:04] Anya: And if we harbor them, we end up in a

[00:19:07] Anya: state of distress.

[00:19:08] Mark: Sounds like we're back to attachment.

[00:19:09] Anya: We are very much back to attachment. And. , this idea that, you know, if we perhaps lack a strong sense that we are intrinsically worthy of love, you know, that we can make mistakes and people won't reject us, you won't be cast out. Or that, you know, so many people who are avoidant, you know, feel fearful of being enol.

[00:19:36] Anya: and, you know, detach themselves and their desire to be engaged. And people who are anxious feel that it's always going, they're always gonna be abandoned, you know? And so it's completely normal, completely understandable to put up barriers to love subconsciously, you know, or consciously, you know, people who go after people who are, have a.

[00:19:59] Mark: Hmm.

[00:20:00] Anya: You know, they look different, but it's always the same outcome. We're always trying to fix the ending and find someone who proves to them that they don't have the flaws that they, that they feel they have, and that can be really difficult.

[00:20:15] Mark: You'll have to help me with, uh, with, with, with the next one. So we have four noble truths of love but I, uh, I'm not gonna try, it's Pyr, Susan Pyr or

[00:20:25] Anya: Pyr. Susan Piper. Yeah. Yeah. Susan Piper. Because you know, one of the things, I love her book, the Four Noble Truths of Love, because. You know, when we talk about barriers to, you know, do you have towards love, often thinking about the, the, the beginning of it, you know, and a lot of books are

[00:20:42] Track 1: aimed

[00:20:42] Anya: at the, you know, the dating stage.

[00:20:44] Anya: You know, how, how do I make myself look better, act better, you know, how should I play it? Cool. Should I be

[00:20:50] Anya: keen?

[00:20:51] Mark: Do a text directly afterwards or leave it two days.

[00:20:53] Anya: yeah. You know, the food day rule, the

[00:20:55] Mark: how many emojis do I use? What's the right heart color? That's a whole thing now.

[00:21:00] Mark: Oh, it's dreadful out there,

[00:21:02] Anya: Is it

[00:21:02] Mark: I don't, I've heard, I've heard there is an escalation of heart color. I, whether that's true. I dunno. Cause I did hear it in a sitcom.

[00:21:08] Anya: Wow.

[00:21:09] Anya: Okay. Is that we, we will have to

[00:21:11] Anya: Google. Yeah, we'll have to Google that

[00:21:13] Mark: mean, you know, considering we live in a world where the full stop is considered passive. Uh, we do have to account for the possibility that yes, different heart killers mean different things apart from

[00:21:23] Anya: Well, it can, it makes me think of um, cuz originally the color of the flowers, using flowers to co, to convey affection. And so you would give someone yellow roses to friendship rather than red ones, which would mean romance,

[00:21:39] Mark: Does that mean I'm friends with my mom? Cuz she, she, uh, she always wants yellow roses. Okay.

[00:21:46] Anya: you know, I, I, I,

[00:21:47] Mark: Bit of that than being romantically

[00:21:49] Mark: involved.

[00:21:51] Anya: There is that, There

[00:21:52] Mark: I mean, she's a fine woman, but

[00:21:53] Mark: still.

[00:21:54] Anya: But still, but

[00:21:55] Anya: still. So back to the four

[00:21:56] Anya: Noble Truth of Love and

[00:21:59] Anya: grabbing the wheel there. You know, this idea of having the barriers to love is kind of like, I love this book because it talks about when you've been in a marriage for 20 years. You know, how do you keep things on track then when things aren't new and shiny, but you're still having the same damn argument?

[00:22:16] Mark: Mm.

[00:22:16] Anya: And there

[00:22:17] Mark: still loads the dishwasher

[00:22:19] Anya: Yes, clearly there is only one true way. , so I touched the Mandalorians but. , you know, and, and she phrases it slightly differently to how I am, but this is how I encountered it in a workshop she did years ago when she was just writing the book. The four truths are, you know, love is difficult.

[00:22:35] Anya: You know, love is challenging. The second one is expecting relationships to be easy is what makes them kind of challenging. And this idea of the third one is meeting these difficulties together is the love is an act of love. And then the last one is that, you know, there is a way through it all. And I think this idea of, you know, you think, oh, it's finding the sweet pot spot actually.

[00:23:02] Anya: Cause I know a lot of people who are in relationships where I have to ha bite. Fist, not to say for the love of God, just pack your bags and go . You know, the relationships are always gonna be difficult because each, everyone is living in their own version of reality. So there's always gonna be this kind of tension between those differences and expecting things to be always, to have all the assumptions.

[00:23:30] Anya: To assume makes an ass of you and me. Can is what makes them difficult, but actually this idea of being in the foxhole together, sitting at the same side of the table and looking at the challenges together, that is love, you know, wanting to, you know, talking about in the definition earlier, well, you know, mutual care. You know, caring in that way and then, you know, just this idea of hope, you know, that there is a way to work with this all, you know, I think that can be the thing when, you know, when the lints phase has ended, a lot of people think, oh, we're no longer in love. And that's actually, you know, if you read you a relationship handbook, that's when we start to love when things.

[00:24:17] Anya: when we start to get to really know and be known by each other, you know, and that really takes me onto the John Gottman work. You know, he talks about the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. But his little thing of bids, making bids to be seen by our partner you know, talking about he'd, uh, I remember a lovely article where he said, you know, someone Aoife was saying, oh, come and look at the birds to her husband.

[00:24:40] Anya: and it's not about the birds. It's about come share this experience with me. And you know, one of the barriers we can have to love is just not making time for it. You know, the golden ratio is five to one. You know, five bids, five responses by positive experiences versus one negative experience. It's, it's not one to one, it's five.

[00:25:04] Anya: Need to outweigh the one because we are, as we Hansen. You know, our brains are like, you know, Teflon for the good stuff and veco for the bad stuff. You know, actually making the time to have this attunement, this presence, you know, this is what, you know, Robert Holden talks about. You know, the greatest influence you can have in any situation is to be the presence of love. And to be that, to be there really, I think is found.

[00:25:35] Mark: Which, which feels like it brings us. To our third and final prompt.

[00:25:39] Anya: Yes. This one, I'm, I'm paraphrasing Gandhi, cuz

[00:25:44] Anya: why not?

[00:25:45] Mark: everybody else does

[00:25:45] Anya: yeah. Absolutely. Um, And you know, Gandhi often, you know, the, the, the phrase, the, the famous phrase quote is, you know, you know, be the change you want to see in the. . I've always kind of tweaked it slightly and I'm gonna turn it into, into the prompt, you know, how can you be the love you want to see in the world?

[00:26:03] Anya: You know, giving others the gift of your presence and these things, you know, don't have to be huge. Um, You know, Sharon Saltzburg had a, had a lovely article. She's talking about her son being on the subway and you know, a little kid. Playing up and like annoying his mom and he just smart and chatted and you know, the kids settled down and the mom, you know, there's a micro connection thing, you know, on public transport.

[00:26:30] Anya: And just recognizing that, you know, we have three feet of influence around us. You know, those, we encounter randomly as well as those, you know, who we count amongst our loved ones and fans. And there's this idea that, you know, Can have an influence just through the qualities of our, our attentiveness, our presence, our our authenticity, to notice what, what to notice, what needs to be done.

[00:27:00] Mark: That makes me think that there is a need for us to recognize that so, so being the love that you want to see in the world means, Something you said in that that, that makes me sort of feel like some people might not realize that their love, their general love and their being, their presence is of value,

[00:27:32] Anya: mm

[00:27:32] Mark: not that they.

[00:27:34] Mark: Not that they have a really toxic relationship with their own self-worth necessarily, but they don't see themselves as an inherent bonus to humanity. Just, you know, I think most of us perhaps think of ourselves as fairly neutral,

[00:27:47] Mark: whereas I think what this this invites us to do is, is to think of ourselves as a Nhat positive um, for, for humanity.

[00:27:54] Mark: And therefore it is worth, it is more than worthwhile. It is, it is generous of. and, and not at all arrogant or self aggrandizing to Yeah. To share those bits about yourself. And I think if you can connect with the bits about yourself that you like, then hopefully that makes it easier for you to think, yeah, I should share these because people, I enjoy them and other people enjoy them, and I should share these aspects of myself because I'm not intruding, I'm not doing any, I'm just sharing my presence.

[00:28:28] Mark: and that in, and its in and of itself has.

[00:28:31] Anya: I think what, what I'm, what I'm hearing in that is offering yourself as a gift to the world and you know, it kind of also, This idea of, you know, takes us back to the, to the, the deeper dating quote, you know, about, you know, it's, it's, it's a bidirectional process, you know, very often we need, as a social species, we need someone to notice our gifts, to help them to blossom, and then we then bless the.

[00:29:02] Anya: by returning that gesture, by offering those gifts back out into, in whatever ways be reminded, you know, I'm, I'm not going to. Give a, an accurate definition of this, but my therapist mentioned to me the, the Jewish concept concept of tick oam. And the way he described it to me was that, you know, the world is still in a process of creation and there were still little pockets, little moments which need intervention, which need us to participate in to complete the work. And I think this is very much kind of, you know, and so little acts of love would be, you know, smiling at someone and brightening their day, you know, noticing a fence that's been knocked over and putting it back in its white place.

[00:29:48] Anya: Just these little acts that acts of love really that co-create the fabric of the universe around us, and it's very hard to co-create if we are not bringing ourselves our gifts into the world. These threads, these golden threads that are particular and unique to us, we are not offering them to be roven into the fabric that inevitably interconnect and supports.

[00:30:19] Mark: Well, gosh, there's, uh, there's nothing. Well there's nothing that, that you can say that can't be said. Apart from, I think we have to close with some poetry. I think it's about the only thing we can do at this point.

[00:30:31] Anya: It is, and you know, I wanna kind of, this is. Kind of ties in with this, and I'm being quite vulnerable and I am sharing something, what I wrote earlier,

[00:30:43] Anya: uh, back, back, in November, 2020. Because I think, you know, one of the aspects of love is, you know, having someone. You can often feel like having someone to give it to.

[00:30:54] Anya: And I got into the habit of kind of writing these love letters to no one. Just being able to express this emotion, this affection out in the world, even if it wasn't particularly towards. another. And this, I guess I kind of, I, I should give this a title, I guess. Autumn love, winter love. But anyway, I, I hope you enjoy.

[00:31:17] Anya: I thought of you again last night as I chopped and washed and weighed and made dinner. And my love for you has no grand gesture. There is no height to scale, no glittering art. Nothing clever or impress. My love for you is on a domestic scale. It is handmade, homemade, a little wonky on its edges. It is the warmth of a hot mug of tea on a bright frosty day.

[00:31:46] Anya: The feel of soft flannels heated up on the radiator, the gentle hands that caresses where it is most tender. The drape of bed linen made supp from endless laundry. Come, join me in these small acts of love. Take a breath step from the world and into my arms.